I had this water bottle once. It was nice. It wasn’t actually mine, by the way. It was my wife’s, but it slowly became mine over time. It was grey, slender, and full of chips in the paint because we ran it through the dish washer once. It wasn’t perfect, but I loved it all the same. It was my water bottle. I had it at work, brought it home on weekends, and went on adventures with it. It was a part of me. Until this past weekend.

Sunday, my wife and I went on a picnic and then to the Real Ale Brewery in Blanco. While we were eating our lunch out in Marble Falls, she said in passing “You really need a new water bottle.” I looked at it, shrugged, and then took a sip out of it. Apparently I hadn’t washed it out enough and there was still soap inside, so I drank from hers instead. (That’s not part of the story, it’s just a funny anecdote.)

When we got to the brewery, she surprised me with this new, wonderful, fancy, insulated water bottle. It has ‘Real Ale Brewing’ on the front (this is my favorite brewery and beer, that’s why it’s special), and it’s really nice. No paint chips come off in your mouth while you’re drinking it or anything. But the weird thing is that now I actually know how much water it holds. Like I said, the paint was chipping off my other one and I have no idea how much water it held, but this one carries 32 oz.

So I came in to work and filled it up, drank from it, filled it up, drank from it, filled it up, drank from it, filled it up, drank half, and then went home.

I’m now realizing that this, including the amount of water I drink outside of the office, comes out to about a gallon of water, give or take, a day. This doesn’t include beer, the water I drink with beer, the coffee, or the tea. That’s just water. You’re supposed to drink eight 8 oz. glasses of water a day. That’s 64 oz. That’s half of what I’m drinking. OH GOD AM I GOING TO DIE FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH WATER???

So being the idiot millennial that I am, I go onto the Internet and search for ‘Drinking a gallon of water a day’. You know what comes up? Pages upon pages of articles about people taking this ‘crazy’ new dietary challenge where you drink a gallon of water a day for a month, a week, or as long as you feel like doing it. I clicked on one (I’m not going to backlink to it because I don’t want to support whatever the hell this new trend is) and began to read it.

This dude was talking about how he drank like two or three glasses of water a day. He wanted to change his life and his friends talked about how drinking water would make things so much better. So he breaks it down day by day.

Day one: he’s peeing uncontrollably. And his pee is clear, just to let you know. Which is great, I’m glad this guy’s pee is clear. Day 10: he’s feeling great! He’s so happy and feeling wonderful and his friends are saying that he looks happier and prettier. This goes on and on and on.

The whole time I’m reading this article, I’m thinking ‘This guy is making money off of an article he wrote for Thrillist about drinking. fucking. water. And it’s obviously a pretty happenin’ trend or there wouldn’t be the other myriad of articles I saw about it. What the fuck is going on? Was I drinking water before it was cool?’

I guess so. I guess I’m a trend setter.

Hey everyone! Look at me! I like to drink the fluid that’s a basic necessity for human life! And it makes me feel great! Sure I have to get up to pee every once in a while, which is really weird because humans aren’t supposed to get up to pee this often, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay to refill my body with the fluid that keeps me alive. I just wanted to let everyone know.

Jesus Herbert Christ! Are you kidding me? Dude, you’re drinking water, not turning it into fucking wine. Call me when you can do that shit. Then you can write an article about it.

If you searched for this new ‘drinking water’ craze on Google and my blog is coming up…here. Let me summarize it for you.

Water. It’s made up of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. If there were two oxygens, you’d be dead, so thank gods for that.

Water is good to drink. It’s good to drink if you’re thirsty, if you’re not thirsty, if you’re exercising, if you’re working outside, or if you’re a living, breathing human being.

Water is much better than sodas. It’s better for many reasons. One reason is that, like I mentioned earlier, it’s made up of hydrogen and oxygen. That’s it. No sugar. No partially-hydrogenated corn syrup. No sodium. No flavors. No nothing. Just hydrogen and oxygen. (Okay, I do realize that tap water has chlorine and fluoride in it, but bear with me.) So when you drink water, you’re not drinking battery acid that’s slowly eating away at the lining of your stomach. You’re just drinking water.

You’re also made up of water. Did you know that? 60-70% of your body is made up of the stuff. Wow! Right? Isn’t that crazy. So, you know, you should probably like, drink the stuff to try to stay alive. That might work in your favor.

So you know what? If you’re thinking about drinking a gallon of water a day, and you actually have to try to do it, you should probably do it. Everyone should drink a gallon of water a day. I don’t care if you have to get up to pee every 10 seconds. That’s great. You should be peeing. That’s something animals do.

Note: If you are getting up to pee every ten seconds, go see a medical professional. “…get up to pee every 10 seconds…” in this article is used as hyperbole. 

 The next time you want to drink a soda or a cup of coffee, try drinking some water instead. It’s really pretty delicious, and that’s what it’s here for: to keep you alive and to keep you hydrated.