Hundreds of years from now, when historians write the annals of our time, they will look back upon one day of the week and go, ‘That day sure was weird.’
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. It’s Weird Wednesday. The day of the week that I, your gracious host, take the time out of my busy morning to bring you updates on my personal opinions regarding random pages on Wikipedia.
In case you’ve forgotten how this works, here’s a refresher:
- I go to Wikipedia.
- I hit ‘Random Article.’
- I read said random article.
- I write about how that article makes the cockles of my heart feel.
And that’s it.
I mean, no, that’s not it. That’s IT. Yeah. Fucking genius, I know.
What do we have in store today, you ask? Ohhhh it’s a tasty one, folks. You love it. You hate it. You love to hate it. It’s…
It’s a motha fuckin’ Fig Newton.
Now, first of all, I have to question this article’s accuracy right off the bat. There in the second paragraph, it says that ‘The modern fig roll and its mass popularity can be…’ Does the modern fig roll have mass popularity outside of countries that figs are native to? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sweet jelly stuff stuffed inside a sweet pastry thing. Ask Mary Berry.
But saying that a Fig Newton has mass popularity is like saying that SARS had ‘mass popularity’ in the early 2000s. Fig Newtons are about as popular as Neco wafers, and we know how that story ended.
To me, figs are just plain gross. I get the appeal, I really do. They’re naturally sweet. They’re juicy. Their trees are beautiful, and when in Newton form, they have a beautiful chewyness to them that sticks to all corners of your mouth as you chomp down on them.
But the seeds…the seeds. That’s the killer for me. Any time I bite down on something chewy and then get a surprising **crunch** out of nowhere, it’s not for me. Figs, raspberries, most berries, really…strawberries are the worst offenders. They’re covered in seeds. You bite down into one and before you know it, while you’re enjoying the juicy, plump goodness, you’re bombarded with thousands of tiny seeds that stick in between your teeth and inside your molars, crunching ever so slightly with each successive chew. It’s disgusting.
And did you know that there are actually dead wasps inside the figs that you eat??? Right??? How terrifying is that? The fig wasp actually burrows into the female fig, pollenating it, while also giving birth to hundreds of her little wasp babies. THEN SHE FUCKING DIES. The female little wasp babies make it out into the world, while the males are left to the same fate as their mother, dying inside the fig, only to be eaten by some poor, unsuspecting schmuck going for a Newton. Disgusting.
N.b. I realize that this is a complete over-dramatization of the fig wasp/fig relationship. I actually watched a video on it while I was writing that part and it was so beautiful I almost cried. Fucking life cycles, man. Life always finds a way! Watch the video here.
Do you want to eat a wasp? I sure as hell don’t. Those things are terrifying. But…the fig technically kills the wasp…so…the fig is my friend? But the wasp dies inside the fig…so…eating a fig means you’re eating a dead wasp? But there are tons of dead bugs in our food already…so…eating a fig is really no different than eating cereal or brussels sprouts?
DAMN YOU WEIRD WEDNESDAY! YOU’VE MADE ME QUESTION MY OWN BELIEFS.
Okay. Let’s just take a step back.
Figs. Still gross.
Wasps. Still gross.
Figs + wasps = still gross
Good. I’m glad we cleared that one up.
‘Til next time, my friends. When will the next Weird Wednesday pop up? I have no idea. Wish me luck on this wonderful journey we call life.