The Burrito Supreme Court

Did y’all hear about the Supreme Court ruling that employers now have the ability to get employees to sign away their rights to file class-action lawsuits? Isn’t that great?! Another defeat for the scum sucking worker, eh? About damn time. They’ve had it too good for too long. Not having mandatory paid paternal and maternal leave…only having to work 40 hours a week…getting vacation and paid sick leave…who do they think they are, huh?

It’s sickening that all these employees can walk around thinking they have rights as human beings. What would make them think that? That they’re free individuals who are providing a service to their employer in exchange for money? It’s sickening. The fat cat employee advocacy groups in Washington have been pushing around the little guy for too long.

It’s about time that big business finally got a break. I mean, how were they supposed to know that asbestos was harmful and caused cancer? Hm? I mean it’s not like they were knowingly purchasing an inferior product just to save a buck!

And how about the female employees over at Walmart? Are they supposed to be able to sue Walmart for paying them less than their male counterparts? As if! What do you think this is? Some country where people have the right to be treated fairly and equally under the eyes of the law?

Well I’ll tell you what. If you do want equal rights and safety protection, then you can go back to Canada like the rest of your socialist tree-huggin’ hippie friends. This is America. We’re capitalist, god damnit, and we’re proud of it.

Where do you think we’d be today if every employee had rights, hm? There’d still be children getting their hands chopped off in machiner…err…wait. Bad example.

Employers would still be able to lock employees inside their buildings so they couldn’t run away if there was a fire…Oh.

Look. All I’m trying to say is that this is good for the working class citizen, okay? You might think that it’s not. It might go against every bit of your better judgement, but really. Trust me. This. Is. Good.

Big business won’t be bothered with pesky negotiations, having to pay out large lump sums to groups of disenfranchised workers. They’ll have more money. Hey! You might actually see some of that money! Because, as you know, when big business has money, it trickles right on down to the little guy. When the water rises, all the other ships do too, right?

What about the people without a boat? That’s their own fault. They had the same opportunity to buy a boat as everyone else.

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