Area Man Who Doesn’t Refill Coffee After Emptying It Finally Brought to Justice

After a years-long crime spree that left dozens tired and hundreds irritated, the local man accused of using up all the coffee in the office break room and not refilling it has finally been caught. Joe Kelly, a CFP for G.B. Accounting, called the police as he entered the break room and witnessed perpetrator squeezing out the last bit of coffee. The suspect’s name is not being released.

“Mr. Kelly kept the assailant busy for several minutes by talking about Game of Thrones while he waited for officers to arrive on the scene,” said Steven Wiederstien, Sheriff of Madison County. “He was putting himself in danger of spoilers by talking about last week’s episode before he got a chance to watch it on HBO Go, but he did this community a great service.” Mr. Kelly escaped the situation only mildly aware of a new plot development.

For years, the office of G.B. Accounting has been haunted with empty carafes, coffeeless cups, and tired accountants, which, as everyone knows, are just as interesting and exciting as regular accountants.

“It’s been a rough couple of years. You’d walk in to the break room, and all you’d want is a cup of coffee. But that sound… that horrible, dry squeak… I have nightmares about it at least once a week,” said another office worker who wishes to remain anonymous for her own safety. “Hopefully now we can all get along with our normal lives. It’ll be difficult at first, but hopefully we can get used to having coffee again.”

It all began three years ago, when on April 17th, Marc Anderson walked into the break room to fill up his cup. “At first I thought it was a joke, you know. We accountants love playing jokes on each other. But I looked around and didn’t see anybody laughing. I opened up the coffee container and sure enough, all the coffee was gone.”

Since that fateful day, there have been 284 reported instances of coffeeless carafes  in the break room of G.B. Accounting. “It’s true that we’ve had 284 reported accounts, but who knows how many cases have gone unreported. Many more individuals could have been victimized by this assailant, but he’s in our custody now. Hopefully no one will have to suffer through tragic events like these again.”

If you or someone you know at G.B. Accounting may have been a victim of these coffee crimes, please contact the Madison County Sheriff’s Department.


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